Saruman Goes to School
by Livinius
Summary: Saruman attempts to retrieve the One Ring from Frodo, who has fled to a school in Upper Earth
1. Prologue

PROLOUGE  
  
The cold wind ruffled and swayed the robe of Saruman the White as he walked up the stone road to Barad-Dur, home to the Dark Lord Sauron. Everywhere fell orcs and other dark beings scurried about, occasionally trying to snap at the wizard or making comments about his robe.  
At last, Saruman reached the oaken door of Barad-Dur. Turning back, he screamed to the orcs, "IT'S NOT A DRESS!" before opening the door and walking in to the infamous tower.  
"At last, you have come," a voice, hollow as the space between Bush's ears, rasped.  
Saruman sat down in a chair frowning. "I would have been earlier if your @#$% orcs hadn't kept making comments about my robe."  
"Well," said the voice, "I can see their point. I mean, honestly Saruman, WHITE? It looks like you're a bride-to-be."  
The wizard jumped up, his eyes blaring. "We've been over this before: I'm not an elf, and therefore I'm not gay! I can't be held responsible because Tolkein picked white for my robes! It's better then pink, anyway."  
A giant eye, wreathed in flame, appeared in the alter ahead of Saruman. "Shut up!" it yelled. "Do you want to get sued? Don't mention Tolkein."  
"Fine," said the wizard, sitting back down. "Why have you summoned me?"  
The eye of Sauron rotated in its socket before turning upon Saruman the White. "Well, as you know," it said, "the latest upgrades to my contact lenses allow me to see through time, space, metals, rock, cloth-"  
Saruman's hands flew to the lower part of his robe.  
"STOP IT!" the eye yelled. "I'm not gay! Besides, you're the one wearing the dress."  
"ROBE!" yelled Saruman, relaxing his hands. "Now go on."  
Sauron cleared whatever it was that he had for a throat. "Well, using my new lenses, I was able to discover that the possessor of the ring of power has slipped into Upper Earth in a desperate attempt to keep the ring from me. He has gone to a small place known as Maryland, and is currently hiding in a school in that land. If we are to retrieve the ring, we must go to that school and take it by force."  
"So?"  
Sauron rolled his eye, which looked very strange indeed and nearly caused Saruman to send his lunch up for a return trip down the throat. "Well, I can't go can I? A disembodied eye doesn't often decide to go to school in Middle Earth, much less Upper."  
A small candle appeared above Saruman's head. "You want me to go, don't you?"  
The word "duh" appeared in flame above the wizard's head. "No," said Sauron, "I want to hold your hand while you go to the toilet!"  
"Really?" said Saruman.  
"NO!" bellowed the eye, turning a deeper shade of red then before, if possible. "Go to Maryland immediately and deal with Frodo and the ring- or I'll have your head!"  
A giant foot appeared in the air and removed Saruman from the Dark Lord's presence via a swift kick. Watching him soar through the air, Sauron shook his head. "Our cause is lost." 


	2. Chapter One Saruman en Espanol

ONE  
  
The school bell's annoying ringing broke the silence of the early morning. Hurriedly, students everywhere picked up their books and dashed off to their classes, desperately trying to reach them before the beginning of class. All but one. well, actually, two, but the other one has nothing to do with the story. So, for our purposes, all but one.  
Saruman took his time and arrived at Spanish a full 33 minutes after the bell rang. He took his white binder and sat down in his seat while Mrs. Gallagher was blabbing on about the correct use of unos and unas for the 20th time. Slowly, the wizard raised his hand.  
"Si?" asked Mrs. Gallagher, in Spanish as usual so that no one could understand her. Fortunately, Saruman knew 412 languages, including Latin, Chinese, and whatever it is that Bush speaks- it certainly isn't English, and he was able to answer, in Spanish, "Why aren't we learning Elvish?"  
Mrs. Gallagher was a bit taken aback. "Because this is Spanish class, and we're learning Spanish."  
"Then why don't we learn Elvish instead?" inquired Saruman.  
"Because Elvish is a useless language."  
"I don't think it's useless!" Saruman said, hurt. He put his hand down and let Mrs. Gallagher move on.  
"Alright, everyone!" Mrs. Gallagher said cheerfully. "Now we're going to learn 50 objects with a song that goes like this:"  
  
"One object's good,  
But too is bad.  
  
Abrehuecos  
  
Is so sad."  
  
After the song was over, Mrs. Gallagher went over to various objects and pointed at them, mumbling something each time. Suddenly, a boy raised his hand and asked if he could please go to the bathroom.  
"Not unless you say it in Spanish," the teacher said, annoyed that the boy had interrupted the monotony of her lecture.  
"Please?" the boy pleaded, but to no avail. Mrs. Gallagher resumed her droning.  
A little while later, the boy raised his hand again. "I just wet my pants, Mrs. Gallagher. Can I go to the bathroom and dry them off?"  
"Not unless you say it in Spanish," Mrs. Gallagher repeated.  
She went on. "So, know that you all know the 337 different was to say the in Spanish, we'll be having a pop quiz that's worth 80% of your grade!"  
She passed out the quiz as the class groaned. "You miserable bastard," one boy grumbled.  
"Please, Richard, if you must cuss, do it in Spanish!" Mrs. Gallagher said, passing him his test.  
"Mui idiota," Richard said.  
"Now," said Mrs. Gallagher, "there's a bonus question for this quiz that I'll give out now to 1 person in the class, because that's the way I do things! The rest of you will just fail. So: what is the Spanish word for idiot?"  
Saruman and Richard raised their hands. "Oh, how about Saruman," Mrs. Gallagher said. "What's the answer Saruman?"  
The wizard stood up. "Mia losta carm ina, tonal hosta carm ina!" he yelled.  
"Wait, that doesn't sound like Spanish to- BAHH!" said Mrs. Gallagher as she turned into a sheep.  
"HOORAY!" the class yelled at the top of their lungs. Richard stood up and began to sing:  
  
"Ding, dong, the witch is dead.  
She's really dead.  
We'll get a robot instead.  
  
Ding, dong, the witch is really DEAD!"  
  
"Man," another student whispered to his friend. "If he wasn't wearing a dress, the new kid would be cool!" With a SNAP, he turned into a frog.  
"IT'S A ROBE!" yelled Saruman at the frog, which merely ribbited in reply and hopped out the door.  
The class then broke into Mrs. Gallagher's secret candy stash, whereupon they guzzled down all sorts of fatty foods until the bell rang and Saruman headed for English. 


	3. Chapter Two Saruman Fights a Fat Man

TWO  
  
On the way to English Saruman was forced to stop at his locker to pick up The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, a book that he really hated and he much rather would have read The Hobbit. While at his locker, the school security officer walked up to him slowly. "Err. um. sir, is your name Saruman White?"  
Saruman stared at him. "Yes, it is."  
"Oh, um, well, see, we kind of need you to come down to the office and turn yourself over to the police officer because you turned the Spanish teacher into a sheep and turned Bill Phillips into a frog," the security officer stammered. He was 5 feet tall and had only started the job as an excuse to beat up kids and force them to remove their clothing.  
Saruman closed his locker. "I don't think that I will," he said.  
The security officer pulled out a revolver. "Um, well, I sort of need you to." He pointed at his gun. "As you can see, I'm armed."  
Saruman snapped his fingers and the man's pants fell down, revealing a petticoat with I LUV JENNIFER written on it in red letters.  
"EEK!" the man screamed in a girl like fashion. "My petties!" He grabbed his shirt. "Don't take off my bra too!"  
The wizard shuddered. "Oh, don't worry about that." He raised his hand high in the air. "But now it's time for you to die!"  
With a huge crack, the man's stomach tripled in size.  
"Oops, wrong spell," said Saruman. He waved his hand in a different fashion and the now humongous fat man toppled over on his side, dead.  
Saruman walked off to English. 


	4. Chapter Three Saruman in English

THREE  
  
Saruman walked into English just as the bell rang and took his seat. Mrs. Schams, as usual, asked everyone to take a look at the board long after everyone had already done it. She then began discussing the latest county-made assignment that involved "thinking," and "looking deep inside yourself." Sad.  
Saruman sat through 17 minutes of it and then passed out of boredom. 3 minutes later Mrs. Schams rudely awakened him by hitting him with his book. "Wake up Saruman!"  
"No body hits a wizard!" Saruman cried. Jumping up, he sent a fireball at Mrs. Schams that sent her reeling backwards, her hair on fire. "YAHHH!"  
The teacher reeled back and collapsed in her chair. "Damn you, Saruman! I was going to get that done today!"  
Puzzled, Saruman said, "Your clothing?"  
"NO, my hair!"  
Then she died and Saruman took over the class. He picked up his book and instructed the class to turn to page 300, which of course no one did because the book only has 200 some odd pages. Then one kid, who wasn't too bright, said, "why are we reading this stupid book instead of playing volleyball?"  
Saruman's eyes glinted. "Oh, we can play volleyball- you be the ball!" he said to the kid.  
The kid's eyes got really big as his body grew round. "This is just what my fortune cookie said!" he cried just before his mouth disappeared into the ball.  
"That's one big ball!" a student said.  
Everyone laughed.  
"It sure is," said Saruman, who didn't get the joke because they don't have potty humor in Middle-Earth. Actually, they don't have much humor- denizens of Middle-Earth pretty much sit around except when they wage war or make gay jokes, in the case of Sam and Frodo. If not for Gollum, they'd have been reproducing before you could say "Bilbo's a granddad!"  
Anyway, Saruman finally got the joke and decided that it was inappropriate, so he turned the kid who had said it into a Koala and sentenced him to a life of torment in a petting zoo. Then he refocused his attention back on the class.  
"Your homework tonight is to read The Hobbit and develop a chart of why hobbits suck.  
One student raised his hand. "Um, what if we like hobbits?"  
"Then you suck and you have no right to live," said Saruman. He made the kid's boxer shorts give him a wedgie, which of course made the entire class laugh.  
"Oh, man, boxer shorts HURT when you get a wedgie!" said the kid, rubbing his behind.  
"Yet another reason not to wear underpants like me," said Saruman.  
The class became unusually silent, and only resumed talking when the bell rang and Saruman headed off for World Studies. 


	5. Chapter Four Saruman Writes in Pencil

FOUR  
  
When he arrived in World Studies Saruman put his textbook under his desk and sat down. He copied down his homework ("Have a great weekend!" regardless of the fact that it was Tuesday) and then started reading his textbook. Suddenly Mr. Ragan screamed loudly in his ear, "WHY IS YOUR TEXTBOOK AT SCHOOL?"  
Saruman jumped up. "What the- oh, well, why shouldn't it be?"  
Mr. Ragan furrowed his brow. "Hmm, let's think for a second, because I said it should always be at home?"  
"Oh," said the wizard. "Well, does it really matter?"  
"Does it matter?" said Mr. Ragan. "Does it matter? Is the pope Catholic?"  
Another kid stood up. "Not anymore," he said. "He's become Lutheran."  
"Oh, well, that's not the point." Mr. Ragan strode about the room. "The point is, you need to follow my directions, Mr. White. Insubordination!"  
Saruman teleported his textbook back home. "Happy?" he asked.  
Mr. Ragan snorted. "Is the pope Catholic?"  
  
Later on in the class period, Saruman was busy writing a sentence when Mr. Ragan screeched, "PENCIL!"  
"What, what, what?" Saruman yelled, running about. "Where's the fire, where's the fire?"  
"There is no fire!" yelled Mr. Ragan. "You're writing in pencil! I won't allow it!"  
Now by this time Saruman was getting pretty fed up with Mr. Ragan and impaled him with his pencil. The teacher collapsed on the floor, moaning. "You- idiot! Don't- stab me- with a- pencil!"  
Saruman rolled his eyes, took out a green pen, and jammed it in Mr. Ragan's chest.  
"NO!" Mr. Ragan wailed. "Blue or black pen ONLY!"  
Saruman took a black pen and stabbed Mr. Ragan with it, very angry by now.  
"Ahhh. that's better," Mr. Ragan sighed. Then he dragged himself out of the classroom, leaving a blood trail behind him. The class was silent for a few moments, but then one of the dumber kids stood up. "Um, do we still have to have a good weekend?" he asked.  
Saruman vaporized him and then turned to the rest of your class. "Now listen up!" he ordered. "We will NOT be learning about the Feudal Age anymore- your Earth is weak and pathetic. Instead we will be learning about the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd ages of Middle-Earth, and if anyone wishes to learn about his or her own history, they can go learn from Mr. Ragan at the Morgue.  
"Actually," said Mr. Ragan from outside, "I'm not quite dead."  
Saruman looked at the door with an annoyed expression. "Oh, well, you will be soon."  
"I'm actually getting better," said Mr. Ragan.  
Saruman looked furious. Turning to the class, he asked, "Could some one please go outside and finish the job?"  
Several students raised their hands. "Oh, how about- Ph- Ph- Ph- oh, never mind, John can do it," said the wizard.  
John went outside and the class leaned in to hear what he was doing:  
"Oh, John, it's you, thank goodness. Listen, buddy, can you snap that back in place. Ohh, that feels nice. Ooh! Ooh! Stop it John, that tickles!"  
The class shuddered. One kid leaned over and vomited.  
"Wait, John, what the heck are you doing? What- no, no, don't touch that! Please, John- AGHPUKCI! What the @#$%?"  
John walked into the classroom holding Mr. Ragan's kidney. "His death'll be slow and painful, don't you worry Mr. White!" he said cheerfully to Saruman.  
Saruman chuckled, and then the bell rang. 


	6. Chapter Five Saruman At War

FIVE  
  
Saruman walked into his math class and sat down in his seat, right in the front. Mr. Mele was walking around mumbling something, and the 6th grader in back of the wizard was screaming "Pheow! Pheow! Two direct hits for Spaceman Spiff!" Yet another sign that today's generation needs to cut back on those sugary drinks.  
After an age or two, the bell rang and Mr. Mele walked over to the board. "Now, class," he said, "as you can clearly see I've tripled your homework for tonight because my wife left me. I can't get a court to take my case, so I'll take it out on you guys."  
The class was silent, shocked. Way in the back of the room, one kid sneezed.  
"QUIET!" bellowed Mr. Mele. "ALL YOU EVER DO IS TALK, TALK, TALK, AND TALK! LEARN SOME MATH AND YOU'LL TURN OUT LIKE ME!"  
Saruman raised his hand. "Are you sure that we want that?" he asked.  
Mr. Mele's face turned purple. "YES, I'M SURE!"  
Saruman stood up. "Well, I don't want to turn out like you. You're evil, conniving, give too much homework, and smell funny!"  
"OH, NOW YOU'VE DONE IT!" Mr. Mele yelled. Grabbing a ruler, he brandished it at Saruman. "Touché!"  
Saruman seized his own ruler and in a flash he and the teacher were flying around the room, whacking at each other as if possessed. Finally, Mr. Mele disarmed Saruman with a flick of his wrist and sent the wizard's weapon flying across the room.  
Saruman tried to back away, his opponent's ruler at his throat. "Now it's time for you to die," Mr. Mele said, raising his ruler.  
Saruman ducked down, grabbed a compass, and threw it ninja-star style at Mr. Mele. The point landed with a thud in the teacher's head. Mr. Mele's eyes crossed as he looked at the compass. "Nice parry," he said, collapsing to the ground.  
The class grouped around his body. One of them looked at Saruman. "You killed him!"  
Saruman looked nervous. "No, no, he's just sleeping," he said, poking Mr. Mele with his ruler. "Sleeping in ketchup."  
Suddenly a chuckle from the back of the room drew everyone's thoughts away from Mr. Mele. The class turned to see the 6th grader that sat in back of Saruman holding a rifle, giggling, "I'm Spaceman Spiff, and all of you are going to die!"  
Saruman ducked down as 'Spiff' fired. One kid fell, and instantly panic broke out. Saruman quickly cast a spell that turned the kid with the rifle into a duck. "Quack!" the duck yelled, firing again. "Fuquak!"  
Now Saruman ran to the door, opening it. "So long, suckers!" he yelled, running out- straight into the vice principal, Mr. Easton.  
"What is going on around here!" Mr. Easton yelled. "I come in hear to talk with Mr. Mele and I find out that he's dead, along with two students and some freak in a white dress!"  
"ROBE!" Saruman yelled at the top of his lungs. "It's a damn robe, okay? Not a dress, not a skirt, I didn't buy it in Paris, it's not a designer, it's a robe, alright?"  
"Well, it does look like a dress," said Mr. Easton.  
"YARRG!" screamed Saruman. Mr. Easton turned into a turtle.  
"Use. your. indoor. voice." the turtle said slowly. It turned and tried wearily to waddle out of the classroom.  
Suddenly another shot from the duck broke the silence in the room. "Quack, quack quack!" the duck yelled, indicating that the class should go to the middle of the room. "Quack!"  
Suddenly the bell rang and the duck was so startled it shot itself. Hurridly, the class left math. 


	7. Chapter Six Saruman's Science Project

SIX  
  
Saruman decided that he was tired of walking back and forth between classes, so he decided to teleport to Science. Waving his hand, he said a word of power and vanished. Unfortunately, the wizard hadn't counted on the high level of radiation in the school (it had been a former nuclear test area- SHH!) and instead of appearing in Science class Saruman found himself in the heart of West Virginia!  
"What in the world?" Saruman gasped as he found himself in the middle of a small hut, filled to the brim with slack-jawed yokels.  
"Hi ya, Mester!" one of them said.  
"Well," said the wizard, "I guess that this is what you get when you have Bush for a president." He waved his hand once more and appeared in Science class.  
"Why, hello Saruman!" said Mr. Vidrick cheerfully. "How are you today?"  
"Fine," said Saruman, taking his seat.  
The bell rang. "Alright then," said Mr. Vidrick, "now, as you all know, it's time for the turning in of our science experiments, projects if you will, so pass them up!"  
The class did. Soon there were a variety of projects on the table, including a pair of radioactive dice, a tiny universe in a petri dish, and a hula dancer made of cardboard.  
"Okay then!" Mr. Vidrick walked over to the projects. "Well, it's time for the choosing, the moment of truth if you will, so."  
"I can't stand the suspense, if you will," said Saruman dryly.  
"JASON!" Mr. Vidrick proclaimed. "First place!" Jason smiled happily and walked over, picking up his hula dancer.  
"WHAT?" yelled Saruman, standing up. "I made the universe in a test tube and you give first place to a cardboard hula dancer?"  
"Well," the teacher said. "It does dance:"  
The hula dancer started to do a jiggle but its head fell off and it was forced to stop.  
"See?" Mr. Vidrick asked. "Clearly, Jason deserves first place, or I'm a beaver!"  
Seconds later he was. "Wish granted," said Saruman the White.  
Mr. Vidrick the beaver sat startled. "Nyack nyuck nyuck, if you will!" it said, waddling over to the cardboard hula dancer, which it proceeded to attack.  
"Lucy!" Jason cried, and chaos erupted in the classroom. Boy hit boy, girl slapped girl, and oversized beaver attacked pathetic science project. Saruman was knocked to the floor.  
Standing up, the wizard suddenly saw the very person he had been searching for, who was trying to escape the classroom.  
"Frodo," he said. 


End file.
